Gettin’ Crafty: The Unfortunate Cookie

A Sense of Humor. Not everyone has one. I’m not sure how you get one, whether you’re born with it, raised and steeped in it, or can procure one for yourself. Not everyone appreciates my sense of humor, even myself, at times. I wouldn’t classify it as entirely “Self-Deprecating’, quite possibly “Smart Mouthed”, but never “Intentionally Cruel”. I have found that the classic “Knock Knock “ joke or the typical “Blonde” joke just won’t cut it under every circumstance a joke is needed to perk a gal up.

Let me give you recent samplings of the mindless mutterings I entertain myself with. Ok, classic example. While sitting in the “Plaintiff’s Conference Room” at my most recent mediation for the dissolution of my marriage and all assets held there within, I became agitated. Hot. Hotter than Hot at the proceedings. Instead of crying and whimpering, I took out my handy dandy sense of humor. I imagined myself placing a phone call and hiring a Strip-O-Gram for opposing counsel. I considered it sheer bliss to imagine the look on my ex’s and his two-toned attorney’s face when they opened the door of their conference room and much to their chagrin, discovered not the bistro steak salad they had ordered, but a set of blonde officers displaying a “warrant for pleasure”. I was thinking more STD than FTD at that moment in time. Any divorced woman worth her weight in alimony will understand where I am coming from. Now, did I actually place this phone call, no I did not. But I laughed to myself and was able to get out from under a covering of defeat and get on with the proceedings.

Another example. While vacuuming, a necessary household chore for us all but one I begrudgingly tackle, began to ponder the striking similarities of qualities my Miele “Bolero” Power Plus (we’re talking high end here people) possesses and the list of qualities I desire in a future boyfriend: sleek European design, upright, swivel head, on/off switch, three-point suction and internal sensors. Given that it was Saturday night and I was vacuuming in matchless pajamas and not out on the town with my “beau mec”, this little sick joke was enough to turn a mundane chore into a whistle-while-you-work activity.

Of all the people in the world, the person who gets my brand of humor is my grandmother. At nearly 84, she’s still a fabulous cook. When she prepares something that she already knows is fabulous, out of courtesy and also to inflate her ego, she will ask me how it tastes. My standard reply while sucking the silver plating off the spoon or fork is “It’s horrible…don’t ever make it again” to which she will reply with a sheepish grin, “Well, I guess I’ll need to throw all of it in the garbage right now”. It’s our intimacy building schtick.

There are other times I just feel like ordering my grande white chocolate mocha at Starbucks under an alias, like “Lil’ Miss Sunshine” or “Hot Lips”.  Or talking in a goofy voice while ordering my kids a 4-piece kids meal at a drive-thru. Or I might decide to do a surprise tackle on one of them and give ’em a big fat “zerbert” on their belly button. I don’t do these things to make a person, other than myself, look or feel stupid. Except for those nasty telemarketers calling in the middle of dinner, trying to sell me a home security system or vinyl siding, I show no mercy with those bastards because they are the scourge of the earth.

I dunno.

Life is stinky hard.

With humor, you get to be “The Cat” and reality, “The Mouse” for a change. When humor is exercised and mutually enjoyed, you have the exhilaration of teasing life’s harshness into submission, if but for a breath. You may release your bite on the vermin for a moment’s freedom, but then, WHAP!, instantly slap your clawed paw down, pulling the ache of life back by its tail back onto your wet, sharp teeth for another round. Laughter is more than medicine, it is a high grade, mood-altering, unregulated pharmaceutical.

Here’s a really fun craft to exercise that rancid lil’ sense of humor of yours.

Supplies you’ll need and how to assemble your “Unfortunate Cookies”:

*Felt sheets in various colors

*Fabric shears

•Hot glue gun and hot glue sticks, preferably the kind with glitter in it. Spring for it, your worth it.

• Floral wire and wire snippers

•Friends that you can laugh with

• The willingness to purge of self-delusion

Assembling your Unfortunate Cookie
1. Using fabric shears, cut a 4 1/2-inch-diameter circle from a piece of felt. Next, cut a small piece of felt into a small ribbon shape, slightly shorter than 4 1/2 inches. Using wire cutters, cut a piece of floral wire slightly shorter than the length of felt ribbon shape.

2. Using your sparkly hot glue, hold the wire to the middle of the felt circle and glue matching felt ribbon on top, covering the wire. Let it dry, go have a glass of wine.

3. Fold the felt circle in half, using the wire as a guide, so that the wire and felt ribbon are inside the cookie. Next, bend the sides toward each other, bending in the center and forming a fortune-cookie shape.

4. Assemble your unfortunate cookie with the saying of your choice written by hand or printed out on a piece of paper. Here’s a small sampling to get your juices flowing.

“That some achieve success is proof that most of us are losers”

“Staying calm, while all around you is chaos, means you probably haven’t understood the seriousness of the situation”

“The pessimist sees difficulty in every situation. The optimist sees the ‘Happy Hour’ sign”

“Knowledge is learning something everyday, wisdom is letting go, and true bliss is not remembering any of it in the first place”

“Sorry, there are no lucky numbers”

“That which does not kill you postpones the inevitable”

“The journey of a thousand miles often begins in a pair of hot pink leather stilettos and ends with calluses and ingrown toenails”

“Where there’s a will, there’s a way… but it just might be the wrong way”

“Save time with plagiarism”

“The path to enlightenment is long and difficult. Take the warm blanket, barf bag and pretzels when they’re handed out”

“When life hands you lemons, say ‘No thank you, I ordered the lemonade’”

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This entry was published on May 29, 2011 at 11:42 pm and is filed under Uncategorized. Bookmark the permalink. Follow any comments here with the RSS feed for this post.

2 thoughts on “Gettin’ Crafty: The Unfortunate Cookie

  1. Melanie on said:

    I would classify your sense of humor as…”makes my friend spew sweet tea because she’s laughing so hard (and she REALLY needed that laugh)”. 🙂

  2. DonnaB on said:

    I love your humor and I do “get it”. I need to get you and my hubby together you both have the same sense of humor, it would be a riot!

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